I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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