Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
