that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
