tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
