Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i think my mom watched the whole time
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Randomize
