i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
