Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
