I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
