you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
