I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
