If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize