i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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