Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize