in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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