i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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