dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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