I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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