why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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