You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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