Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
