Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
