Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
