apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
