I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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