He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
