I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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