she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
There's even glitter on my cock...
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