Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
