everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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