I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
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