: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
