What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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