WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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