Kiss
Puke
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
