I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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