Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
