Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
