I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
