I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
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