Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
