I look better un-naked...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
