dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize