he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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