apparently the secret to your success is patron
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I look excited, but its just a facade.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize