I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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