the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
