thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
