i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
