Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
