You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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