I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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