you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
