4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
