Ketchup is God's man juice
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
