i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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