Welp...herpes.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
