when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
