Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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