the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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