mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I need a burrito and a hug.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
