I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
