my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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