shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
