he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
