Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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