just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
