I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think I won the penis lottery.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
