I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My vagina just recognized that song.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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