It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
