I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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